May is mental health awareness month, and in that spirit, I thought I would write a blog post of my own. This post is meant, first and foremost, to make everyone aware of my general existence, and secondly to chart my own mental health journey. So, hello!
My name is Derek Cowsert. I came to know Sanctuary Centers by way of a friend who works for them, and then got to know them better when they hired me to write and edit copy for their website redesign. That relationship worked out so well, I’ve stayed on to help write and edit for the new blog. It has been an honor and a pleasure to be even just a very small part of the Sanctuary Centers team.
The work Sanctuary Centers does is close to my heart because I myself have struggled with my mental health for as long as I can recall. As a survivor of childhood sexual trauma, I remember very little of my life before depression, anxiety, and PTSD became my traveling companions. In my adolescence, as I sought to self-medicate my undiagnosed mental illness, I added substance abuse to my list of issues.
With all these issues piling up, I knew that I needed counseling long before I was ready to actually commit to doing the work it requires. I saw my first counselor in college. We spoke once. I never returned. At that time, I did at least allow my primary care physician to prescribe my first SSRI, a medication I took off and on throughout my late teens and early 20s. In my mid-20s, I attended some group therapy sessions, but those didn’t stick either.
It wasn’t until 2009, later in my 20s, when I hit what 12-step programs refer to as “rock bottom,” and I finally made moves to change my life and treat my mental health with more care. I lost my job, lost my apartment, sold a significant amount of my possessions – I lost a lot to my addictions. My only saving grace at the time was the fact that I hadn’t completely alienated my family. They allowed me to come home, on the condition I begin attending a 12-step program.
Their instinct was correct there. Before I could adequately address my mental health issues, I needed to address my substance abuse. In all honesty, I wasn’t yet ready to dig into all my underlying mental health issues. I’d never told anyone the extent of my childhood trauma and its subsequent fallout, and I was terrified to do so. The steady “one day at a time” march of sobriety gave me something to focus on while also teaching me my first important lessons of self-care and self-improvement.
In my 12-step program, I learned the importance of community, and also the power of anonymity and emotional intimacy. For the first time in my adult life, I took care of myself. Instead of drinking and doing drugs, I went to the gym and exercised. I applied to graduate school. I made new friends and reinforced my connection to my family. I told my sponsor things I’d never told another living soul about my childhood trauma. All of this was helpful and necessary, but it still wasn’t enough. I needed professional help. I needed a proper therapist.
Learning to trust the process….
The process of finding the right therapist for me took years. It might have gotten done sooner, but I let myself get discouraged a couple of times and stopped looking for long stretches during those years. I relapsed with my substance abuse and hit incredible new lows I didn’t realize I had in me. At one point my friends kept suicide watch on me. One friend drove across state lines to stay with me for awhile to ensure I didn’t hurt myself. That actually happened.
Eventually, thankfully, I found a therapist. I was living in Kansas City, in a graduate program, now in my early 30s. My first session with him, I spilled my guts. I told him everything about my childhood trauma and the fallout. I told him things I’d never told anyone else. Afterward, he didn’t hate me. He didn’t judge me. He didn’t think I was dirty or a monster. He just invited me to come back to take some tests to get an accurate diagnosis of my issues. After that, he invited me to make a plan of treatment. He referred me to another doctor, with whom he worked closely to get me on medication that worked for me. Slowly but surely, I began to improve.
For a long time after that, my mental health journey was a lot of one step forward, two steps back. A couple grad programs, a few failed relationships, multiple relapses, several different jobs, and the whole time on and off my medication. It was like I knew what I needed to do to get better, but I just couldn’t put it all together yet. I’d focus on my diet and exercise, but I wouldn’t be on the right medication, and I wasn’t talking to a therapist. Or I’d take my medication, but I’d slip back into old habits of substance abuse, thus negating any benefit my medication might have had. As my grad program ended, I moved back in with my parents for a time to get my feet under me and my head on straight.
During this time, I discovered bibliotherapy – a fancy word for reading books about self-care. I’m a writer and writing professor by trade, so it makes sense that reading books appealed to me. My love of books has been a huge part of my personality since I was a little kid. I loved connecting with the fictional characters. Now I was connecting to the real experiences of other people. I felt much less alone in my journey. Bibliotherapy became a true cornerstone of my recovery, even though I discovered it late in my journey. Bibliotherapy alone, however, was not enough. I knew I needed to do more.
What’s funny to me is that for all of the years between those suicide watch days and moving back in with my parents, from the outside looking in, I think it seemed like I was really making progress. In one manner of speaking, I absolutely was. Any progress is good progress on the journey to better mental health. But inside I knew I was still a wreck. I knew I was mostly going through the motions, waiting for all the old bad habits hiding underneath my new veneer to catch up with me.
Everything finally did catch up with me when I got a DUI. My first and only. That’s what it took to wake me up, to force me to finally get real with myself about the substance abuse, to finally get myself a new therapist I could talk to every week, to finally commit fully to taking the meds I need to keep me balanced so I can live and thrive in my daily life. I’ve changed my diet, my lifestyle, and my whole outlook. I met a great girl. I always have a self-care book in my rotation. I meditate. I journal. I’m finally finding the a bit of the artistic success I’ve dreamed of since childhood.
Of course nothing is perfect, make no mistake. The treatment I sought was not some magic wand someone waved to make my life better. I still struggle. I still have lows. I still see my therapist and take my medication. If I don’t do those things, I know I could slide back into some really dark times. The difference between now and those times, though, is I know what I need to do to stay on steady ground, and I am more than willing do whatever it takes to keep myself healthy.
I feel like I’m a whole different person these days. It took me 30-plus years and multiple false starts, but I finally got over the stigma of needing real help. Properly addressing my mental health issues has improved my life exponentially. I managed to get my myself to a place so healthy that when Sanctuary Centers needed a content writer/editor for their website redesign, my friend in their offices thought I could be perfect for the job. Me, with all my issues. Crazy, right?
The only thing I’d change is this: I wish I’d gotten to it sooner. I wish I hadn’t been too scared or ashamed to ask for help. I spent so many years attempting to navigate these issues on my own, often seeking the help and advice of well-meaning but non-professional friends. It is nothing but sheer luck that I found my way to two separate amazing therapists exactly when I needed them most. Things could have gone far differently for me without them.
I spent so much time lost to my demons and addictions. I wonder often, what if I’d found a place like Sanctuary Centers earlier in my life? What if I’d gotten the help I needed and been ready to accept that help in my 20s, rather than my 30s? How much pain could I have saved myself and my loved ones? How could my path have changed for the better if I’d sought help sooner?
If you or one of your loved ones is in need of help as well, you’re absolutely not alone. Sanctuary Centers offers several types of programs to help treat myriad issues – programs they can tailor to individual patient needs. Their dedicated, specialized staff of doctors, nurses, and volunteers work tirelessly to give their residents everything they need to improve their mental health and lead happy, fulfilling lives in a community of love and support. No matter where you are on your mental health journey, the most important thing is to know that you aren’t alone. You’re never alone.
About the Author
Derek Cowsert
Derek Cowsert is an English professor, freelance writer, and public servant living in Springfield, Missouri.
