I can remember quite vividly, like it was yesterday, incessantly crying just a few short days after giving birth to my first daughter, Maxine. The tears were not of joy as one would expect, but of angst. All throughout the day I would experience moments of horrible thoughts rushing through my brain, at light speed, that would leave me crippled. One constant thought in particular played repeatedly in my mind. If I were driving, even if my daughter wasn’t in the car with me, I would envision myself crashing, and ultimately, accidentally, killing my newborn. For a good four months, I struggled to understand why I would be thinking these dark thoughts.

At first, I would quietly convince myself that every mother dealt with the irrational fear of losing their child, but as my thoughts became more frequent, the lies I told myself were no longer believable. Because the thoughts were so obsessive and absolutely consuming, I knew something was happening to me, but I wasn’t quite ready to deal with that truth. As the frequency of self-diagnosing myself as suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety increased, the more I would shove those thoughts further and further into the back of my mind. “I couldn’t possibly be suffering from PPA,” I would tell myself. “This is supposed to be a really happy time in my life, I’m not depressed.” But the truth was I was exhausted, anxious and my thoughts were completely out of my control.

It was when I had this realization that I finally made an appointment with my OB/GYN to discuss what I had been experiencing. I hadn’t even realized just how anxious I was until I broke down after she asked me how I was doing. She assessed me right then and there and let me know that I was experiencing symptoms of postpartum anxiety and prescribed me to Zoloft. While I ultimately chose not to take medication, even having the peace of mind that came with what felt like at the time, a crushing diagnosis, meant that I could finally get to a place of recovery and healing.

So, what is PPD? PPA? And what is the difference?

Postpartum depression (PPD) is a major depressive disorder that affects mothers within one month after childbirth. In some cases, PPD can affect women up to one year after giving birth. It is believed that PPD is caused by a combination of hormone imbalances, biochemical factors and/or environmental stress. Studies show that approximately 1 in 7 new moms and 1 in 10 new dads experience some form of PPD or other perinatal mood and anxiety disorder. PPD manifests itself in many ways, not just as depression. Symptoms will vary from person to person, but it can include tearfulness, anxiety, panic attacks, sadness, irritability, anger, feeling inadequate, insomnia, loss of appetite and obsessive thoughts. And perhaps most importantly, it is never your fault; it can happen at any age, race, socioeconomic status, and with any amount of parenting experience.

Postpartum Anxiety (PPA) afflicts 10% of new mothers, with 25-35% of cases beginning during pregnancy. PPA manifests itself in changes in eating and sleeping, dizziness, hot flashes, rapid heartbeat, nausea, inability to sit still or focus on a particular task at hand. It is also more common than postpartum depression, but diagnosed far less because most mothers fail to recognize the symptoms and thus go undiagnosed.

Ways to Cope

Whether you are dealing with PPD or PPA, the need for self-care is paramount. Below are some things that really helped me manage my symptoms.

First and foremost: it is nothing to be ashamed of.

Society has a way of making us feel like any flaw or hardship we have should be kept hidden, but this could not be more counterproductive. Realizing that I was not alone in this diagnosis was really comforting, which then enabled me to talk about it. The weight was a lot less to carry after that.

Get outside and be active.

I found that I had a lot of pent up anxiety that needed an outlet, so working out became my saving grace. Until this day, I still take my baby out in her jogger and do a three mile walk, if I have the time. I also make time to go to the gym every night after putting her down and allow myself an hour of alone time.

Remember, it takes a village.

Whether you need help with household chores, or maybe just a nap, don’t feel ashamed to ask a loved one for help. Most often than not, you will find that people want to help—we’ve just got to let go of some responsibilities from time to time. Remember: asking for help does not make you a bad mother.

Indulge in self-care.

Take the time to have a moment for yourself. Get a massage or get your hair done. If splurging isn’t in your budget, even taking the time to put your phone down while your baby naps will prove to be very beneficial for your mind.

Talk to a professional.

A lot of the time we suffer in silence, because we worry that people will assume the worst, that we don’t love our children, or that we will want to harm them (or ourselves). It doesn’t have to be this way. Not only are you not alone, but there are many trained professionals who make a career out of providing support and insight on this topic and they will offer you the help you are looking for.

Build a support system with other moms.

Reach out to other moms, new or seasoned. Chances are you will find that you aren’t alone in your feelings, and they might have some helpful advice. Don’t have any local mom friends? Check Facebook. I am part of many mommy groups where discussions range from the joyful milestones to the nitty-gritty hardships we all so inevitably experience.

Is there anything I left out that you feel should be mentioned as a way to cope with postpartum depression and anxiety? What works for you? Feel free to let me know in the comments!

Resources

Santa Barbara Postpartum Education for Parents: (PEP) 805-564-3888

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/

Smart Patients Postpartum Community: https://www.smartpatients.com/partners/postpartumprogress

What To Expect Postpartum Depression Forum: https://community.whattoexpect.com/forums/postpartum-depression.html