“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
In my time working with families, I have come to learn that this idiom can be used dismissively, sometimes even judgmentally. I implore family members to look at this statement another way: when it comes to understanding and treating mental illness, the family constitutes a vitally important piece of the puzzle. It is my belief that mental illness is the product of an entire system, not just a single individual. With this in mind, I invite and implore the family to be an imperative part of the recovery process for their loved one. Family and loved one grow and heal best together, not separately.
In 2011, I began my journey as a therapist as an associate with Sanctuary Centers, where I led groups and treated individuals while also receiving my clinical training. During this time, I found myself drawn to the bigger picture, beyond the person sitting directly in front of me. I was curious about the dynamics behind the scenes of our clients’ lives and how those dynamics may have been contributing to our client’s symptoms, behaviors, and choices. Upon completion of my training, I began an internship, during which my clinical supervisor assigned me to whole families. From then on, this became my favorite part of treatment. To this day, I still consider it the most important part of my job, so much so that when I became a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in 2015, I founded Sanctuary’s program focused on treating families and couples.
As mental health professionals, we understand when our clients feel scared, alone, isolated and helpless. We must remember that their families often feel the same. No one can prepare for something like mental illness. Because I see it so regularly, I find myself quite familiar with what happens to a family during a crisis. In families, crisis creates a particular dynamic necessary for survival. This dynamic can be extremely difficult to break out of, even long after the crisis has passed.
To better help explain this dynamic, I would like to paraphrase author, Anita Johnson, whose metaphor of the log I find quite instructive. Imagine you have fallen overboard and are rushing down a river, being swept away by rapids and pulled under the water. In your panic, you spot a log! Desperate, you grab onto the log, and it saves you. The log keeps your head above water, thereby keeping you alive. Later, when the waters calm, and you find yourself closer to the shore, you attempt to let go of the log, only to find yourself too weak to swim to shore on your own. So, you go back to the log. Time and again, you try to swim on your own, but you lack confidence. You go back to the log over and over. A time will come when you no longer need the log as you once did, but you cling to the log out of fear and habit. As you continue to depend on the log, you deprive yourself of chances to build the confidence to swim on your own.
During times of crisis, families can take on the roll of the log. They act fast. Time is of the essence if they wish to get their loved one into treatment. This is often a necessary step to save their loved one’s life. Once this step has been taken, however, families struggle with letting go. They can continue to operate in crisis mode long after the crisis has been averted. While families often act and react from a place of love, attempting to hold someone up when they are trying to learn to stand on their own two feet can be counterproductive.
The log is an important part of the healing process, especially in the beginning crisis stages, but eventually the log will break down and a new strength is needed. At Sanctuary, we work with the clients to strengthen their muscles so they can swim ashore on their own. I personally work with the clients’ families, teaching them tools to move forward from the crisis point so they can operate as a cohesive healthy ecosystem that supports their loved one’s growth and independence.
I always tell families that they share an “emotional skin.” By this, I mean that families have an enormous influence on one another’s behaviors and functioning. Families have the power to propel their loved one forward, but they can also hold them back without meaning to. I see the role of the family in the restorative healing process as a net positive. An engaged, caring family can be an important and necessary part of the solution, provided they are ready and willing to move on from the crisis moment and stop being the log.
About the Author
Lauren Richardson, LMFT
Lauren Richardson, LMFT has been a Mental Health Outpatient Care therapist and case manager for Sanctuary Centers since 2011 and founded Sanctuary Centers’ Family Services program in 2015 for which she currently oversees as Program Director. In addition to being a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Lauren is an EAGALA Certified Mental Health Professional and Equine Specialist and runs her own private practice.
