Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance our connectedness to others.

-Harriet Goldhor Lerner

The importance of maintaining relationships with self and others was honed in me from a very early age by my family and the Indian culture. I grew up watching my parents and grandparents stressing the importance of a self-care routine and being an active member of our community. What I learned as I grew up and became a therapist, was that a relationship with self and others was the foundation of a satisfactory life. Not per se, a happy life, but a satisfactory one. 

Happiness is relative and ephemeral but satisfaction in life is what keeps one centered and content. 

In my personal life, I strive to make connections whether it is with me through introspection or being present in relationships. Although I struggle with meditation because I cannot sit still long enough, I find calming hobbies like gardening and cooking as a method to connect with myself. The repetitive nature of these hobbies creates the perfect background where I can retreat into the inner workings of my mind to observe silently.

A New Beginning

When I moved to America, I felt lonely without the support of family and friends. I struggled with making new friends and finding things in common with my peers. I relied heavily on my husband for emotional needs; I wanted my “own people”, not just the friends he had. I also struggled with self-identity. I felt like a kid in a big and new school. 

Becoming a mother grounded me because it gave me a purpose, a sense of belonging and an identity.

My children and I explored our world simultaneously. I grew stronger as I raised them by trusting my instincts and reaching out to others. Eventually, I formed strong bonds of friendship with strangers who have now become my extended family here. I began to invest time and effort on working with the quality of my relationships with myself, with others, and with my community. I learned to look outside of me and focus on what I bring to my relationships in terms of emotional reliability and openness. This process has taught me how to reframe my issues, let go, and develop empathy. It had a grounding effect on me, something I deeply value as I have matured. I noticed the positive difference it has made in the close relationships with my family and friends. 

A New Identity

When I began working at Sanctuary Centers, I saw the same basic principle promoted throughout its various programs. The main focus is on integrating the mind, body, and soul as well as integrating our clients into the community to live as functional a life as possible. This is facilitated through individual counseling and group therapy, along with the practice of mindfulness and the importance of building the self and using that as an extension to bridge to others.

Integration of self promotes healing and creates a ripple effect that can be seen in ways that we treat ourselves and others. It opens the gate to a heart that is willing to accept the past, live in the present, and face the future. As a result, we become willing to drop down the restrictive scaffolds carefully laid out to protect our ego, allowing for new perspectives and reframing of problems. We become not only open to our experiences in the present, but are able to make room for the experiences of others. It gives birth to empathy, compassion, courage, and connection while shrinking shame, guilt, fear, and blame. 

However, the most important quality self-integration instills is trust: trust in self to be and feel who we are. 

A New Lease on Life

Mental illnesses and trauma rob us of the ability to trust our feelings and thoughts which then makes second guessing a part of our personality. It is as if our core shatters into many parts, some that we are willing to accept and some disown. This leads to feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and an onslaught of negative emotions about self and others.

Mindful awareness and working through the emotional processes, while daunting, can be rewarding. Practicing trust in our choices, empathy, and compassion with self, can generate inroads to meaningful connections with others. It allows us to accept and recognize ourselves as we are with all our faults and deficiencies.

Slowly, it nurtures a sense of self which allows for a better understanding of our past and present behavior as well as negative thinking patterns. We become open to initiating changes and grow less resistant. As we begin this work on ourselves, the door to accepting others with all their faults too begins to open. We begin to understand them and become willing to let go of misunderstandings, grudges, and past resentments. It creates a synergy of “live and let live” ending in more authentic relationships devoid of superficiality and the need to please. Making adjustments becomes easy, creating room for more personal growth and freedom. We gain more congruence and emotional clarity.

Ways to integrate the self and others:

1. Create time for self-care. Allow yourself to unwind and unplug and use this time for sleep, exercise, eating healthy, and pursuing a passion/hobby.
2. Find ways to connect with yourself such as by journaling, meditation, or other mindful practices.
3. Create time to nurture loved ones by becoming a good listener, a confidante, and someone others can rely on.
4. Find an activity to be involved in the community by volunteering or promoting a cause you believe in.
5. Lastly, live in the moment as if every second counts.

Benefits of integration:

1. Integration leads to personal growth
   • This empowers us to look into deep-seated negative core beliefs, grief and losses, unresolved issues, trauma, and other deep wounds.
2. Ability to reframe existing problems
   • This allows us a degree of freedom and flexibility to try new solutions that can lead to satisfactory conclusions.
3. Creates satisfying relationships
   • A basic need for humankind to connect and be part of a bigger world.
4. Allows us to support others with parts of ourselves that are healthy and capable
   • Which in turn give us the courage to acknowledge parts that have been neglected or disavowed.
5. Creates a meaningful and purposeful life with realistic goals and expectations.